Today I'm sharing on something super close to my heart and my lived experience — loyalty to struggle. What I mean by loyalty is this: a prioritization of keeping your relationship to the thing you are loyal to (i.e. struggle) over allowing new belief patterns (that conflict with the loyalty) to take hold. What I have seen in my own healing journey, and the journey of many of my clients, is an identity construct that includes the need for struggle. If your identity requires the need for struggle, and you let go of struggle, you will not know who you are — which scares the shit out of your ego.
Struggle is a choice. And we can choose a different reality. But no, I'm not going to tell you to say daily affirmations because… that's not what needs to be done.
There is nuance here. Each one of us has unique stories, traumas, experiences that feed into the belief that we have to struggle first, before “deserving” or being worthy of what comes after struggle. On top of that, we are fed this storyline our whole lives. I'm sure you know what I mean by phrases like this: “pull yourself up from your bootstraps.” “Work hard to play hard.” Over the past several years, I've been reshaping my relationship to struggle. As many of you know, I used to have chronic cystic acne that was a daily struggle for 17 years. And I struggled harder than anyone I knew with my skin. Part of me believed that I couldn't have clear skin without the struggle. I couldn't have clear skin without going through the deep pain and self disgust that I was so accustomed to living with. It was part of my identity. I didn't know a life without struggle, so of course I believed struggle is a requirement. But now I know that it's not a requirement. It's a choice that supports an old, unhelpful system of beliefs. That's just one of many examples in my life. And since I've shifted, I've been moving through this loyalty to struggle one healing at a time. In my marriage, in my business, in following the desires of my heart… in believing in myself. After cleaning up these stories in my psyche and moving the emotional patterns out of my system (mind, body and spirit), I've been able to repair and reconcile all the grief I experienced for not having what I desired (self-love, clear skin, self-trust, a belief that I'm deeply supported in this life, permission to have a thriving marriage & a career that I love…). I am now finally reaching new levels and seeing options to choose a different path. To choose what I actually want, not what I thought would make me a worthy, good person. And, let's get a little meta here – this multi-yearlong process even supports my old beliefs around struggle, right? Because the part of me who believed I must struggle, has now seen and has proof that I've “done enough work” for it to shift. Ultimately I had to draw the line somewhere and choose that enough was enough. I had to decide that I was done. And, now that I am embodying what it feels like to allow more ease, trust, faith into my life I can allow this struggle bus to fall away. My daily actions support and reinforce my new beliefs and I can more easily choose to take a “risk” and dare to believe in something different. And, when I inevitably bump up against these old beliefs about struggle, I know how to work with them. I know how to let them fall away, because they are no longer something I am loyal to; they are no longer my identity. It's a union of healing, stepping into your next-level self, and practicing to fully anchor the new truth. Does that make sense?
Here's why affirmations & mindset work on their own will not get you there…
Affirmations & trying to rewire your brain can actually further damage your psyche. You must honor where you are. (If you've been around here a while, you know that acceptance is the key to change). You must heal the part of you that cannot believe in the affirmation. If you don't, you're telling the part of you who is trying to keep you safe (perhaps your 4 year old self) that they are wrong… which causes further division and fragmentation in your soul. HEALING IS ABOUT WHOLENESS, not separation.
I'm here to help you restore your wholeness.
Many of the clients I work with are committed to being good, honorable humans in this world and they are still not receiving the life that we are told is possible. This means there is more under the surface than just being a “good person” and “working hard.” It doesn't mean that you suck at life or suck at affirmations. It doesn't mean that it doesn't get to “work for you.” If you're ready to uplevel your relationship to struggle, to honor & release the stories that keep you stuck in struggling, I know a way. I know the power of deep, honest healing. And, I'm here to guide you.